apostrophe (1994)

you are a deftly turned phrase, an etymological landscape, a home by the sea you are a compilation of more than sixty samples overlaid on top of a digitally synthesized 70s funk groove you are the message on cassette tape long after it has been recorded over you are, as such, the eraser head’s self-validating ideal of order you are a festering war wound incurred in a skirmish in the war between the U.S. and canada over rights to a pig farm strategically located on what is now referred to as the world’s longest undefended border , making you a better meteorologist than any one of the “big three” networks, or the CBC for that matter, can muster you are used & abused you are a distressed property bought by Tom Vu & sold for an outrageous profit you are ossifying sweat on Robert Plant’s performance towel, now in the possession of a man who is thinking about auctioning it off because he has decided he would rather listen to “new country” you are an onion ring with an identity crisis on the Korona Restaurant’s “Transylvanian Meat Platter” you are an easy-riding h that just knew you would be stopped by police , cuffed, hauled in & strip searched while you were making your way through the mountains in Georgia you are everything your mother had hoped for, & more you are track-lighting gone bad, a one-time energy saver now driving a gas-guzzling ’71 Impala you are considering touching that dial you are a pretence to universality you are the top quark you are one of a family of Dirt Devil ™carpet cleaners you are wondering at this moment whether you are merely a cleverly disguised rip-off you are a foreign agent who accidentally ruptured an emergency cyanide tooth cap just before your rendez-vous with a thin man in a lumber jacket standing by a garbage can on the patio of a McDonald’s in Paris , who was to receive an attaché; case containing vital information photo reduced on microfilm which, of course, you have no prior knowledge of you are a mispronounced word with eyes stuck in an awkward position just like your parents warned you they would, trying to get a date with one of the cool chicks in your high school & having difficult time of it you are fibre ingested by a septuagenarian to promote regularity you are a face in the crowd you are secretly responsible for both the mysterious circles appearing overnight in British grainfields & getting the soft-flowing caramel into the Caramilk™ bars you are not using the Force, Luke. you are fucked up in your own special way you are toiling, neither do you spin you are your own secret twin preparing to make an appearance on Ricki! you are an immediately perceptible phenomenon elevated to the level of theological unity you are accurate to a depth of 30m you are pecs on your pecs you are thrown out for lack of evidence you are a nested loop you are getting sleepy you are an ode to the west wind you are made in your own image you are wanted & loved ...as if you are a case of halitosis , gingivitis , dandruff & split ends all rolled up into one you are a granny knot undone by an older & wiser scout leader you are a piece of performance art that deep down inside wants to be a bust of Beethoven sitting on a Steinway grand piano you are a primal scream trying to differentiate yourself from an existential scream you are a hockey stick broken over the spine of a 19th century hunchback you figured had no business playing street hockey in the first place you are a healthy Hi-Pro™ glow you are having paranoid delusions that a figure much like Henri Matisse’s “Blue Nude” is following you around trying to get you to join the Jehovah’s Witnesses you are the distance between the hyperbolic curve and the y-axis you are what you eat you are a reified universal transcendental signifier you are kind of pissed off that you were never given the choice of whether to be a sequitur or not you are, and if you aren’t, who is? you are not enough to get over the threshold you are getting even sleepier you are a fine piece of work, you are you are a stupid English k(o)n-ig(g)ht you are currently in search & destroy mode you are a 60-cycle hum you are a refutation of the Special Theory of Relativity you are a parade of endless details you are the lusts of your father you are wondering at the audacity of some people who like to tell you just who they think you are you are synaptic information lost in the aphasic shuffle you are a means of production you are the line cut out of the final edit by some guy using a PowerBook in a cheesy local Laundromat, or if you aren’t you wish you were you are being completely irrational you are the wrong answer on the multiple choice section of the LSAT you are feeling quite overwhelmed , you must say you are exactly what they’ve been looking for,and that should frighten you you are the significant answer in an inkblot test you are well on your way you are the space between the heavens and the corner of some foreign field you are rendered completely useless you are a B- grade on a C paper you are so beautiful, to me you are unconsciously acting upon your cultural biases you are a game of tic-tac-toe that, after dealing with an inferiority complex, beat up a game of “globalthermonuclearwar” and kicked the shit out of Pentagon computers you are on your way to the store to get a litre of milk, when this cow with the head band antlers of a moose sporting black head and over his left eye comes up to you and says “ you are on your way to the store to get a litre of milk, when this cow with the head and antlers of a moose sporting black eyepatch over his left eye comes up to you and says “you are...... you are the weak argument in an elaborate doctoral thesis you are the miracle cure for halitosis, gingivitis, dandruff & split ends all rolled up into one, at least that’s what your 19th century procurer, “Dr. Morgan”, says as he travels from town to town trying to sell you you are not butlet’s say you are you are your favourite letter of the alphabet except h cuz that has already been taken you are an asshole (ee-o-ee-ole) you are a soliloquy on a barren heath in a play which inspired Shakespeare’s “King Lear” but has been lost for many centuries, last documented in the Earl of Derby’s private collection, 1723 you are billed as the “nicotine patch to the world” you are everything you want in a drugstore you are only as good as the next guy you are the eggman,you are the eggman, you are the walrus(kookookechoo) you are shovelling shit in a Roman stable you are dead now, so shut up! you are in the process of being palimpsested you are an incestuous mess you are available only through this limited TV offer you are the party of the first part you are a no-good, lazy son-of-a-bitch you are often replaced by an apostrophe you are a big waste of time, for the most part you are a poor player who struts and frets his hour upon the stage and is heard no more you are surely mistaken you area detachable penis you are therefore you think you are the side effects of performance enhancing drugs you are a bad case of blue-balls you are boldly going where no man has gone before, but only as the disposable crew member who happens to be dumb enough to talk a lump of painted grey styrofoam & therefore, in my humble opinion, deserves to get it anyway you are translated into 20 different languages you are not smart, just hard working you are a painting bought solely for the frame you are the one really likes it, really you are not a machine, you are a human being you are corn, but we call it maize you are dumb enough to spend your time typing out endless statements that begin with “ you are” just to make a point and try to get some laughs, neither of which,in retrospect, you believe you will succeed in you are the owner of the secret decoder ring, and as such have a right to be president of the club you are the interest accrued by overnight by some clever electronic banking maneuver you are, and if you aren’t you should be you are misspelled in a grade six spelling bee by a kid who will eventually serve 8 years in jail for manslaughter you are better than bad,you’re good you are a quote within a quote desperately trying to escape you are a most noble swain you are in absentia you are engaging in self-nullifying behaviour you are a vague sense of alienation masked by a friendly, conversational atmosphere you are a dentist, you take delight in causing great pain you are the kind of apathy that can only be generated by the “spoken-” vs.“written-” word debate you are a self-consuming artifact you are an unimportant stanza in an unimportant Bob Southey epic you are the neurochemical dopamine bridging the gap between the tail of one synapse and the head of another during a bout of particularly raunchy sex with a not-quite-loved one • you are an instance of pre-emptory teleology you are living in a post-theory, post-language writing,post-sound-poetry, post-literate age, so let’s stop writing crap that pretends that you aren’t you are going to sell out the first chance you get you are yawning -- stop it! you are a persnickety line removed at the friendly request of an editor who thinks its potential offensiveness is enhanced by the mere fact of its referential obscurity you are all out toget me, damn you! you are mixing memory with desire you are sitting with a soggy ass at some reading in High Park really wishing you were somewhere else you are a portable Greek reader that is going to party like it’s 1999 you are going on with your doggy life you are the interplay between the quotidian& the extraordinary you are a Captain’s log, supplemental you are a metonymic slide you are a pipefitter with a penchant for Descartian ontology you are everyday people you are believing this crap they’re feeding you you are thinking that you looked better before the makeover you are a bird, no, wait, you are a plane, no, hell! you’re superman! you are an uninterrupted series of dots that hasn't come to terms with being a line yet you are an ill-used neural cluster removed to get at a deep-seated brain tumour you are fading away when you would rather be burning out you are a linguistic trap set to catch some good eatin’ possum you are eleven benevolent elephants you are damp semen soaked into the centrefold you are a registered trademark of the Coca-Cola corporation you are the supreme arbiter and lawgiver of music you are woman, hear you roar you are never going to amount to a hill of beans in the world you are bad advice foisted on some love-sick puppy you are an axiom proved false you are the cruelest month you are an error in grammar identified by the latest in word processing technology you are flown to your destination on Delta Airlines you are the book in the spirit machine you are a dadaist who needs to love & be loved you are hoping that you will never have to hear that fucker read his damn poem again but are resigned to that fact that you probably will you are in more closets than you wish to admit you are someone with the debilitating habit of cutting against the grain you are going, going, gone you are a likely consumer of rubber nipples you are a long-lost jazz score that no one would have played anyway you are a last will & testament you are an unceremonious exit